The power of the regulated adult
June 8, 2026
The following article was written by Dr. Rose Ann Bomentre and draws upon themes from her book, “Staying Human in the Work of Leadership.”
In a classroom, a counseling office, or a front office, escalation rarely begins with policy. It begins with people. A student raises their voice. A staff member feels challenged. The moment tightens. And within seconds, what could have been a conversation becomes a conflict.
These are real moments in the work, moments every educator and leader has experienced. In the urgency of supporting students, it is natural to focus on what needs to be addressed: the behavior, the response, the consequence. At the same time, another question can be just as powerful: Who are we being in this moment? Because in every interaction, we contribute to the emotional tone of the environment.
As I reflect in my book, the most effective leaders are not those who react the fastest, but those who pause and regulate themselves first. Leadership begins internally, before it is ever visible externally. As someone originally from the island of Guåhan (Guam), I draw on CHamoru values that emphasize respect, harmony, and care for others, principles that continue to shape my approach to leadership.
Across schools and high-stress environments alike, one pattern consistently emerges:
students do not respond to authority alone. They respond to a sense of safety. And safety is often communicated through our presence, our tone, and our regulation.
This aligns with CHamoru values such as inafa’maolek (restoring harmony in relationships) and respetu (showing respect in how we speak and respond). In many ways, regulation is how we live out these values in real time.
When we feel escalated (tight posture, urgency in our voice), students can sense that shift immediately. Even when our words are appropriate, the delivery can create distance. When we are regulated, we create space for connection, understanding, and de-escalation. This is not about being perfect. It is about being intentional.
Tone is one of the most powerful and often overlooked tools in leadership. Consider the difference between saying, “What’s going on?” using a sharp, loud tone vs. using a calm, steady tone. Same words. Different impact. Students and staff interpret tone before they process language. A regulated tone signals safety. An escalated tone, even unintentionally, can feel like pressure or control.
When we match a student’s intensity, situations often escalate. When we regulate, we create space for de-escalation. Tone shapes trust. And trust influences whether a student engages or withdraws.
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Regulation does not require a new program or system. It begins with small, consistent practices:
Pause before posture: Drop your shoulders. Soften your stance.
Lower your voice: Calm is contagious.
Breathe with intention: A slow exhale creates space to respond.
Slow the moment down: Some situations need connection before correction.
These are not just strategies for students. They are practices that help us remain grounded as leaders.
Systems, policies, and consequences are necessary. But they are most effective when paired with strong relationships. Students remember how interactions made them feel. When they feel dismissed, they disengage. When they feel heard, they are more likely to take accountability.
Connection does not remove accountability. It supports it. A regulated adult can hold boundaries while maintaining dignity. They can redirect behavior without damaging relationships. They can remain firm without becoming forceful.
This reflects another CHamoru value, mångnginge’ (acting with care, compassion, and responsibility for others). When we lead with regulation, we are not only managing behavior. We are modeling humanity.
The work of education is complex and fast-paced. Leaders are asked to respond quickly and support students and staff in dynamic environments. In that urgency, it is easy to move straight to solutions. At the same time, one of the most influential factors in any interaction is how we show up.
Leadership is not only about what we implement. It is about how we respond in the moments that matter most. Before the next difficult conversation, consider pausing. Before correcting behavior, consider regulating. Before speaking, consider your tone. Because one of the most powerful tools in any school is not a program or a policy. It is a regulated adult who continues to stay human in the work.
Dr. Rose Ann Bomentre is CHamoru, originally from the island of Guåhan. She is a California-based educator, consultant, and author of “Staying Human in the Work of Leadership” with more than 30 years of experience serving as a former teacher, counselor, principal, district director, assistant superintendent and superintendent. She serves as vice president of Committees and Councils for ACSA Region 12, as a guest administrator at San Bernardino City USD, and leads Heart in Mind Consulting.